Blood on the Dance Floor
This week has been progressively been getting worse as it has been going by.
So it all started Monday when I rolled over after sleeping for about and hour to check messages. Was expecting one from Morgan but got one from someone else. It wasn't bad but it set the events that would follow and triggered a depression episode that now has turned into an anxiety episode. Most people don't understand that depression and anxiety are linked and can trigger each other. They are often mistaken for the other. Anyways, I did not sleep for the rest of the day, I had a doctor appointment with my heart doctor. Making that appointment was difficult. At first I was supposed to go in May but the doctor wasn't gonna be in that week so I had to move it to June. My dad switch jobs and the insurance was lost a few days before my appointment and I had to switch it again to August. Finally went and she wanted me to wear a heart monitor for two weeks to see what is exactly happen to me.
Mom has the habit of telling me she will do something, take me somewhere or to do something and the day we are supposed to do it, she doesn't come. She most often doesn't even tell me, I get no calls, and am left there waiting for her for hours before I realize she's not coming. Feeling a bit abandon. Wasted one day but did get to watch a lovely livestream and attempt to interact with new people. Scary. Had three hours of sleep that day.
The next day which was Wednesday my finally took me to go get my hair cut, which she was supposed to do Tuesday. Got done at least. It took longer than expected. However I got to have some food and buy some toys for the rats. It seems every time I was around rats, wanna new one, I am with my mom, so I don't get one. And they are always the cutest!
Thursday I went to the dentist. My friend from like forever has come back from Texas for a few weeks and she was supposed to come over Friday, but with my new doctor's appointment and it being my Dad's birthday I instead had her come over Thursday, but my mom kept me out longer than I wanted. Got home late and the night before I was trying to fix my current problem, it involves someone else on the internet, but not important don't worry about it. It didn't get fix and only made things worse. So very little sleep was gotten and I was so tired but I got to see Jackie and it was good to see her again. Only problem was she stayed later than I wanted. I tried throwing hints that I wanted her to go home so I could go talk to people and attempted at making things better again. Didn't get to do that unfortunately. I get to see Jackie Saturday which is good. Focus more on my friendship with her than anything else. I'm so sorry Jackie. My mind is so shattered this week.
Friday, got heart monitor. Actually slept but my dreams were plagued with me attempting to solve my problems. No escaping them I guess. Went out to eat with my parents, dad's birthday, and my ex-boyfriend's as well. OuO Hope he had a better day. I could barely eat. My stomach has become sick from worry, but I hid it well. The ketchup said "Trivial Pursuit" on it. Mmmmmmeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuhhhhhhhaaaaaaaa..... I can't escape. Went to a pet store where we get mill worms to feed to the frogs. There they had baby rats.
They were so cute and far less expensive than any other store. I wish I wasn't with my mom. I would have gotten one. They had a grey blue one, one that was all white with one black spot over one eye, several with a blaze, many white ones and ones with spots! My favorite was one with two black spots just over it's ears. :3 Sad no new rat for me. I have to get rid of Ivy, she's my trouble child and has become too aggressive towards my other two babies and become destructive. I can't deal with it so have to re-home her. :c I'm sorry Ivy, I tried.
The heart monitor isn't so bad. Have no way to hook it onto my belt or anything. :c The last one had six stickies, this one had two but it could attach to things. This one I have to carry around or wear pockets. My pockets are lies on my pants. >:C
This week has been making me think too much. When I think too much that's bad. Danielle and Will want to move out and it makes me so sad. I opened up my house to them and tried my best to make them feel welcome but the rest of my family. I have such and inconsiderate family. I wish they wouldn't talk about leaving in front of me. I feel like I failed. I have been feeling super depressed about my art. I see other people improve and draw such amazing thing. The first message did not help me feel any better about my skills. Made me feel even worse. I'm trying to think of it as a positive thing, but let's face it, I am just lying to myself. I'm trying to find a mid ground to make everyone happy but it seem I am the only one who doesn't get to be happy. They keep telling me to consider other people's feelings and try and understand their needs, but has anyone stopped to consider my needs and understand my point of view. I don't feel like they do. It's okay, I don't have to be happy. That's something that is for other people. I am not allowed to be happy, so I guess I don't have to be. I decided to just not talk about it anymore and try to keep the conversation as positive as possible. Talk about other things. I want them to like me, I want them to be my friends. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to change my characters, I don't to talk to other people, I don't want to join another group, I don't want to wear the heart monitor, I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to give up Ivy, I don't want to be depressed, I don't want to have anxiety, I don't want other people to be sad, I don't want to wake up. Just please don't hate me. I'm so sorry. ;^;
Morgan has been having a bad time too and I haven't been able to be there for them. I'm sorry.
Grandfather had a stoke by the way. He's okay.