|Things Aniju likes to draw.|
|Things Aniju likes to draw.|
|Things that intertest Aniju.|
Made this blog many times and everything I kept deleting it. Let's prey this time I don't. Was gonna post this on wikia but don't want to for some reason. They don't need to know about my problems and the ones who have a DA account can read it here. Here's why I've been so absent from Meerkat Wiki and why I've been so moody on Bronies Wiki.
I normally keep my emotions and problems to myself, but it seems I am ready to talk about this and get it out. I can't talk to my parents. Before whenever I had a problem, it was always meant with angry like "what's wrong with you, be normal, go prey," or they would just ignore the problem. Mom already told me to hurry up and get over this because she moved on. Well I can't. So I've always kept things to myself and dealt with it on my own. Now my best friend is going through depression as well and my brother is going to the dark side. Not sure what I should do now, but talking about it makes me feel better.
September was when all this shit went down. September was supposed to be a happy month. Blood on the Dance Floor were releasing their new album on September 3rd, their anniversary and I was so happy. But something was wrong in my house and I remained oblivious to it because I didn't want to acknowledge anything was wrong. My father has always been unhappy with his life and it became worse in the past few years. Then in early September he started seeing this other woman. My mother and brother were aware of this. Towards the end my brother was the one who told me, not my father or mother. At first I didn't know how to react to it. Then I became happy, because this meant my mother would leave my father. It's sad when a child feels like their parents should split. That's how bad it was. I'll admit my relationship with my father hadn't been the best over the past few years, and it has gotten worse in the few months prior. I was focused on my own problems in life than I couldn't see how unhappy my father was, but who could blame me? My father could come home already irritated and no one wanted to be around him. My mother said to him "We never knew who would come home, you or a monster." So my mother, my brother and I avoided him at all cost like the plague. The peace in our house would be ruined until he went to bed and the unholy humming would stop. God that humming drove me mad. After awhile whenever my dad would get mad at things, I started to want him to go away, just to make the pain and fear go away. When my father screwed up I was happy that my mother now had a reason to leave him. I knew life would change but that was okay. Maybe it would have motivated me to be better. Well that didn't happen. Mom took him back and things became awkward and unbearable.
We confronted my father at the beach where he met this other woman. My father didn't make his decision there, refusing to pick us or her. If you can't pick your family right on the spot, then you're obviously choosing that other woman and I didn't want my father back. I finally stood up for myself and told my mother she should leave him, my brother and I would take care of her. At first she agreed to it, but that changed when my father decided to come back and my mother decided to take him back. She even told me that if I was unhappy then I should go stay with my best friend until I could accept what was going on. The one time I stand up for myself and this was what I was meant with. So I went back to being quiet, pretending like nothing was broken and just shoving my emotions inside of me. This sparked a depressed that has lasted since September, somewhat started before September with the crap Angel gave me, and the lost of my favorite meerkats, but this tops anything else.
For the next month I had to deal with my father, a broken computer and the shit Angel had caused. My only way of escape was through music and I began to shut myself into my mind away from reality more and more. Anything to keep my mind off of it, but I couldn't so I turned to my favorite band. Blood on the Dance Floor just released their new album on September 3rd, their anniversary. I was so happy to have a new album and then my father had to ruin that with his crap, like the rest of us didn't have problems? Like no one else mattered? I only hid mine so as not to bother everyone else with my own issues. And with that I became used to closing myself off and shutting my feeling away inside of me to keep myself from breaking down, I became detached from the world. I could no longer see other people's problems unless they told me about them.
My God do I love BOTDF. People don't understand. Life was worth living and they helped me get through my shitty life. Their new songs applied so well to my situation. Through October while my father was still living with us, the only thing that kept me going was the knowledge that I was going to go see them. And after I saw them life was a little better. I was pissed off that this all happen in September with the new release of their album but I really need them then, so I guess it was already that September got ruined. Life got better in November but shitting in December and early January, however life has been good up until now. My father sent me a Valentines Card, not sure if it's an apology because it says none. It talks about God and such. I stopped believing in their God, the one my parents believe in a long time ago. From how religious my father has been you think he wouldn't break one of the Ten Commandments. So with that I just keep to myself and go to that world my music takes me, where I can deal with the pain. I've become incapable of showing outward emotions to my friends and family. It was never received well.
Recently I learn that how my brother has been dealing with his emotion has been through the use of drugs. Not sure how to deal with that. Not sure if I can right now. This month was supposed to be happy but it's not. I finally have someone to celebrate Valentines Day with and I can't even be happy. I never liked Valentines Day anyways but that was because I have been lonely. Instead I always celebrated SAD (Signals Awareness Day) but I'm not signal. Still I am sad so I guess I'll celebrate it. It's not Valentine's Day's fault I know. Maybe next year.
My dreams reflect my emotions and lately my parents keep appearing in them. Sleep and dreaming helps me escape from this world where I can be anything and do whatever I want. During my depressed for like a week all I could do was sleep. Now I can't sleep at proper times or I can't. I don't want to dream about my parents. I want to escape for a while so I can think of something else. Music helps me with that, because sometimes you need to get your mind off of things so when you come back you can deal with your problems. Bloody Dance Floor and my various techno music have been my savior. My art reflects my emotion since that is the only way I can express emotion but my parents hate the things I draw and my mom dislikes Aniju.
When I'm sad all I can draw is ponies and monsters. Now I have no motivation to draw, or when I do I have no inspiration. Something I have motivation and inspiration but the drawing just doesn't work out. I was gonna draw something today, but then I got that card, Hello Kitty too. I can't right now. I just can't deal with people and things. My other escapes also have been taken away from me. Bronies Wiki just tormented with Angel and thus resulted in the end of out friendship, but that's okay I guess. Bleck just keep making life difficult for me. I try to make things better for everyone, but I am not given the means to do so. Meerkats Wiki just gone to hell. I've been tormented by haters over there because of my ability to dislike a meerkat, like no one else has sins, opinions and emotions. Am I the only one who is human? Meerkats123, MeerkatGal and Sir Rock are the only Sun Angels there. New people have replaced the old, and I may have a chance to redeem myself, but I don't feel like meeting them. I'll wait awhile to start over. The meerkats themselves have been just miserable, and there is nothing I can do about it. Reading the LH each month is depressing, more meerkats, my favorites, are dying or disappearing. My other escapes, video games, well I'm bored with them. TV has been boring lately filled with stupid stuff. I need intelligence. Comedies make me sad because after awhile I started to wish I could live like the people in the show. When happy things start making you sad, you know you are truly depressed. I try but I can't help how I feel. I would change it if I could. It's not like I like being unhappy or I want to be depressed. People don't understand this. The emotions, feeling helpless, a random feeling of guilt even though I have done nothing, depressed and angry. Everyone else is happy around me and that makes me sad that I can't be happy with them.
Been listening to Loveotomy lately. It's a song more for break ups, but it helps anyways. BOTDF is the best. I don't care what others say. They don't understand and that's fine. They keep me going until I can find my little piece of shriveled up corn under the fridge.