Journal Entry: Mon Sep 1, 2014, 1:47 PM
Blood on the Dance Floor
Its the month my family fell apart....
Last year shit hit the fan between my parents which shattered my world and made life the way it is now. I elude to it all the time when talking to my friends, because I want to talk about it, but they never take the bait. Soooooooooooo since no one reads my journals unless they are tags, or when I state no one reads my journals then people comments, here's what's been going on with me.
My parents are doing okay now. Their marriage is still going and I guess it's better this way. However there has been money problems since my father got a new job that pays way less than the old one, but working conditions are way better. This has caused some new problems in my family. There's no money at the end of the month. Tomorrow my dad's check will come in and we will have money to pay for bills and food. We are living from pay check to pay check now. I am in one of those families now. :C I guess I should consider myself lucky to never had to worry about money problems in my childhood, but now I do. My mother works and gets a paycheck each week but that's not enough. My brother works now as a pizza delivery boy but most of his money goes to gas. He gets tips but people tip only like dollars. So this is why I have been mentioning about doing adoptables. If I can make enough money to pay one bill or buy food, I would be helping out greatly. The only one without a job and with a medical condition has made me feel like a burden on others.
I used to feel useless on my wikias until a recent event that actually made me use my admin powers. Wasn't the best time to be dealing with that, but maybe it was what I needed to get me feeling less useless and "unnecessary." I fear however I won't be around next year as much because of the money situation but we will see. My wikias and friends there have been my relief from reality and allow me to just have fun. Nothing wrong with having fun, but now it feels like it's gonna be taken away. That's been on my mind a lot lately and at first it was a bad thought. But then things on one of my favorite wikias started to just suck for me. Another admin being a bitch and my friends suddenly getting mad at me for trying to make things better. Made me think maybe it would be for the best to leave, just walk away. But then what? Where would I got then?
Well I got the Tibumeru group to go to. Everyone loves Moray there. :3
I spend a few days away from the wikia to recover but I was forced to come back. Still I wanted to see what it would be like if I wasn't there. Would they miss me? I think they did but not one has messaged me. Well I can't blame them with what has happened there. I never left, I couldn't. That makes me angry. But maybe this was a sign or something.
I am okay with giving up things to spend less money. Just don't take my happiness away.
"You gotta spread out the little happiness's amongst the hell we live through," ~ Dante
It's the little things now a days that keep me going. The nice weather, siding outside away from my computer, tea, the warmth of my dogs'. It seems the source of most of my problems are coming from the computer. From other people online. But I guess this is what happens when you interact with others. I learn something about friendship not taught in MLP. With a relationship, friendship, both parties need to be getting something positive out of it. Now when most people are in a friendship relationship, they normally don't thing about what the other person needs in this relationship. They thing of "what do I need from this person?" And what do you need? Someone to talk to? Someone to hang out with and just be yourself around? Companionship? A shoulder to cry on? Those are the things that keep you in the relationship.
But what does the other person need? Why do they stay your friend? Are you there for them? Do you listen? Are you considerate to their feelings?
I believe this is how my friendship with Bleck died. At first it was okay but over time, we had just to different ideas and we became less considerate of what the other needed. Learn this lesson too late but I think it was for the best. Maybe I wouldn't have learned it in the first place. I don't want that friendship back though. I have new friends now and I need to keep their relationships alive. Why are they my friends? Gotta remember that.
Something that bothers me whenever I am depressed. When I tell people, they tell me not to be. Okay I never thought about that before. Just don't be depressed. Oh my god! Really? Well I guess people just don't know what to say and yes I have said it to other people. But it never really helps the situation. If I could choice to not be sad then I would, but I can't. Life doesn't work that way. There's a problem and source of the depression and it needs to be found and corrected. I seem to absorb every negative emotion I felt over a long period of time, before I crack and break down. I noticed a pattern. This seems to happen every three months. Then I break down and cry my little head off. I have learn seeking help from others doesn't work. At least from people who haven't been through depression themselves. If you haven't experienced it then you don't understand. Like when people who don't have kids give people who do advice on how to raise them. Until you have kids you don't know what it is like. It's the same thing with depression. But I shouldn't expect some kind of philosophical responds from my friends. They heard me and responded. That's good enough. c':
It does feel like a lot of my friends are being taken away because of school.
To sum this whole blog up:
Emotionally I'm done
Mentally I'm drained
Spiritually I'm dead
Physically I smile
That's been me for the past few days.
Listening to: Despondecy - Zneider